Sometimes the races are not all that great.

Ok, so Chapter One: Underwood Stakes Day was a bit of a let down. Firstly, the weather man failed me big time. Nevertheless, I tottered my way through puddles and sought shelter. Luckily my patent, nude Peeptoes are quite hardy. Secondly, the majority of punters were trackside (but in-side) in their best (or not) pair of jeans. And thirdly, the fashion stakes were a bit blah. What a shame.

I must say, however, the Fashions on the Field event itself was a reasonably run operation. The set up was sweet. White garden-party chairs on either side of the judges table. Kind of like a wedding arrangement. Groom's side and bride's side type of thing. The stage was normal. Black. With two black, paisley-painted horses (with wings) as a backdrop. Good intentions for a tight-run, classy event.

Unfortunately, however, despite these good intentions, there was rather a lot of faffing about. Filming of Postcards with Suzie Wilks held things up a little. Susie was all goose-bumped and looking quite uncomfortable (as were the rest of us) as she was attended to by a loyal, "spray and hair-pin ready" hair-stylist. Suzie wore a charcoal trench... Backwards over her black dress. Lauren Phillips was there, as I heard her tell Suzie, "just for an hour", and acted as host to the fashion competition. She was in black and white Ginger and Smart. I didn't catch the other details of her outfit but she did, as always, look lovely and elegantly negotiated her skirt's behaviour in the wind. The two ladies chatted fluff and ignored the grey-haired man who was fitting them with wires and microphones.

Livinia Nixon was gorgeously pregnant in a purple, flowing, full-length. She has been dubbed the Caulfield Style Ambassador. I admire this decision - whoever made it. Livinia was a judge in the competition, along with some other not-so-famous people… one of the judges wore nothing on her head. Another shame.

The front row of the white-garden chairs provided convenient seating for a group of rowdy, beer-guzzling teenage boys. They jeered and "woo-hooed" the girls. A couple of their female friends were yelling slurred remarks to the friends they had forced or dared to enter the competition. There is nothing worse than a drunk, rowdy, spaghetti-arms girl strutting her stuff on the cat-walk… or is there? There was a white pant-suit with a vest rather than a jacket. No bra. Revealing vest. Ew. But there is always one. I remember last year at Caulfield Cup one of the entrants decided it would be appropriate to strut her stuff on the catwalk in the form of a strip-tease. I am not kidding - she actually rubbed her hands up and down her front. No-one knew quite what to do. Some of the crowed giggled nervously. Some just looked stunned. She was pouting. She was shimmying. She was just horrendous!

Anyway, the purpose of the Underwood Stakes Day competition was to run a "heat", which would see one winner proceed to the Fashions on the Field Grand Final on Caulfield Cup Day. With barely 30 entrants, each girl celebrated approximately 2 seconds each on the catwalk. For some, for reasons set out above, this was far too much time. Despite the seemingly low attendance (given the weather and magnetic field that draws people inside on days like this) a crowd of on-lookers gathered round the stage area. You would have seen this type of gathering along Southbank when a really good busker is doing something... really good. The white garden-party chairs were full. Cameras were at the back of the crowd. As was Susie Wilks. Her trench now worn the right way round.

The music was also a bit peculiar. Better suited to a night club. I think the DJ had his set lists confused. The party-people at Seven or Room may have been rather "So Frenchy, So Chic" that night. It is truly difficult to merge a classy, feminine attitude with a hard-core tune. It is kind of like watching a classical ballerina float around gracefully to a John Course track. It's just not right. I guess it is worth noting, however, that the DJ had it right for those who decide to ditch the classy-feminine attitude for a vampy, on-stage strip-tease.

The winner of the "heat" was a very pale pink and cream combination. Not my cup of tea to be honest. I have always had a phobia of that sickly, pale, vintage, grandma pink that I often see mixed with black… makes me feel a bit queasy thinking about it. Anyway, the winner wore gloves this colour and a felt, half-cloche hat with beads and feathers on the side. The concept of the hat was agreeable. But I would prefer to see it in a non-sickly pink combination - say black and white? Anyway, so there it is. Another winner of FOTF who I wouldn't necessarily have chosen, but was obvious to me as a top three. You eventually learn what will make the top 3-5. After that, it is quite political/random/bizarre/pot-luck. Pale pink walked away with about $2,000 of prizes and a beautiful bunch of blood-red roses (which clashed perfectly with the sickly pink gloves). That outfit will be re-worn on Caulfield Cup Day. Look out for it.

Let's hope Chapter Two: Caulfield Guineas Day brings me more cheer!